By Way of Introduction – Delores LaRose

Hello world, I’m Delores LaRose.  Welcome to my first column. I wish I could be with you in person but I got delayed. His name is Mitch and he has future tattooed right across his…. so I couldn’t dash off just yet.

I’ll be as brief as I can because my diamonds keep scratching the laptop and the steward won’t let me Skype on the plane. Screw the FDA. What do they know about air travel? I have NEEDS. Handsome bitch, that steward, I’ll hate him just until he delivers my second dubonnet.

Before we land in Abu Dhabi I wanted to send you just a few words. I promise we’ll have a video chat soon.

A little about me… I was born in Madagascar and reared in Rangoon. I’ve been a burlesque dancer and a nun. Yes, I’m THAT Delores LaRose! See, I’m not dead. Not yet! I’ve had a varied and remarkable life. I have travelled the world extensively — mostly in a quest to fix it. I’m a great believer in fixing things. I fixed every dog and husband I’ve ever owned, why not the world? It needs fixing. That’s my talent — fixing things. I look a person in the eyes and I know just what to do. I’m never wrong — ask any of my husbands.

My age? I’m a premium vintage. Let’s say, Moses and I have shared some bath water. I may have circled the block, petal, but not the drain. Growing older doesn’t frighten me but it might scare you. We’ll fix that.

There are two types of people today: thinkers and shoppers. I have little patience for corporate fodder.  Slogans are for parrots, petal. Time to wake up and Delores is here to help.

For the record, passion is the purpose of life. Happiness is not top of the list. Sorry. It’s way down among sex, money and off-season vacations.  Embrace your passion and get a dog. You won’t need more.

I’m a fighter, a terrier with a challenge. I’m here to retune your middle “C”. I’m also out to heal the world. Our world is in a wretched state. It’s badly in need of a spa day. Shall we book it? Aroma therapy, hot stones, de-carbon scrub — the works. The world is us and we need a good colonic irrigation. Time to stuff a tube up the world’s bum and flush out all that false crap.

That’s my job. I flush out the crap and peddle truth, with a side order of damn fine taste. I’m a documentary film maker and celebrity icon in the making. My ideas are so fresh even the gays haven’t discovered me yet …but they will.

I’m timeless. I have the kind of wisdom that doesn’t expire. I’m Chanel or a Twinkie. Like a generous heart I’m steady. I’m going share all of my fabulousness with you, my dear readers. Feel lucky, petal – because you are. You are beautiful and I’m going to show you how to shine. Watch for my video blog posts coming very soon. There goes the seat belt sign. Must dash.

Andy Rooney may have left the building but Delores LaRose, honey, she’s only just arrived!